I should say i owe it to people who DO come and read my blog to let them know what the fuck's up and what fucked up. After almost a month's hiatus from writing anything because my mind was so dense with stuff happening,i still find myself in the same position now,only better equipped to belt out the plethora of events that have happened.mainly its for me to take stock,but you're welcome to take a look and see if you can point anything out to me.

Since the last entry came..I have started school,and thats about the most major event that i bother to think about. All the rest are simply fuzz ,like cotton in the mouth; you cant spit it out cos it gets stuck..and you cant push it down cos it threatens to gag you. my mental disarray is somewhat maxed out and suddenly i get to a place where all is silent and the noise is so far away.and when that happens,you get a sense of absolution from knowing that things will get better once everything gets clearer. that is the school of thought in which im majoring in.More of that later..

Abit of whimsical digression,if i may. This came from a blustery saturday evening when I had the nagging feeling in the pits of my gut that I may not be able to just sit around and be merry. I met maria,who i should point out has learned the magic realism of Hazeline Snow lotion or something (and that's a compliment) and witnessed her headbanging stunts. But fast forward the moments after and we reached the BBQ pit at east coast park. I have this thing about cooking the nicest food and from the moment i saw the 'fire' I knew i'd have to do something or we all wouldn't have dinner. There were at least a dozen other BOYS who deserve a dick slap because they were not entirely helpful. They didn't even pretend to be; they just stood around counting the hairs on their legs. And that initial 'fire' wasn't even started by them boys.so much for hairy legs. So i made myself useful for my own benefit ( i was already hungry!) and started the 'fire' going and BBQing the food. Its amazing how one 'fire' could churn up so much chicken wings in such a short time. I surprised even myself.. In the end all that good food got taken away by the visiting dignitaries. tsk! BUT what scored major disappointment points was the fact these monkeys were oblivious to the fact i was a senior senior's senior senior...and i was cooking at THEIR Bbq. so enough said.i got angry for a moment and the 'fire' reflected my mood. Nana ran away knoqing that..

So that is one social event. I keep thinking about the whole "you're a sociologist major,you'll end up analysing everything i say" remark made by a few friends. I tell you, im at the introductory stages of learning the subject matter and already im poring over what people say and talk about.HAHA... I think it's what you said,that makes me do the exact same thing. So far school has been one week in transition (that's another examinable topic there) and already my thought processes have gone into hyperdrive~! so much so i've binged on readings given by the professors. its serious shite dawg! But to imagine sociology on a scientific level in my understanding,is like trying to understand how and why i speak in circles and throw in nuggets of information like statistics these advocates of social issues do. Its almost like an intrinsic look at how i deal with things around me,and the relation of person to society and how each is interdependent on the other. are you intrigued or bored,then..so far?

tell me what you think ok?

  Happy birthday maria manson,haha! its a slew of births this month of july.but moving on from bouncy newborns of yesteryears..i thought i had alot to write about,but ends up i have more to write on my TO DO list than the stuff i really want to talk about.
  Certain decisions i've made over the course of time,this year in particular,have taken bearing from my most primal processes. this cognitive response to stimuli from my surroundings can be judged to be less than satisfactory.but the fact that i think too many thoughts at once only serves to obliterate any capacity to act smartly. and the end result is utter disappointment at many ends.
  I was talking about the rude shock i got from mudshake about my taking the people around me forgranted. not realising that these people have always listened to my grouses and not bat an eyelid even when it got to the point of "you're rambling but i'll give you the attention anyway". and then when it came to my turn to lend the ear and the odd shoulder...i failed at being simply human. i yawned and nodded off when it was inappropriate;testimony that i've been living for myself and not for anyone else. when it came to saying nice words im a meister. but maybe i have been sloppy in my presentation..or i simply have stopped caring enough. BUT i still care,and that's a good thing i know.
  To the uninitiated,relationships in a nutshell..are like cars. they have to be maintained and you have the occasional servicing just to check for,and clear out any kinks in the system. more often than not,somehow something happens and you realise someone (could be yourself) has thrown a spanner in the works. that's when repairs need to be done. IMPERATIVE it is..otherwise your car can't move,can it? and i have overlooked the servicing part.
  All because I have been striving to see myself move away from the self that i was. this pursuit of betterment had an adverse effect..that of the loss of my heart. i became less human..i pushed myself away from forging real relationships;instead i locked on to the urgent need to ensure self-preservation. truth be told that's how Life itself works..natural selection determines only the best,the strongest,the most advantageous.that is how we see evolution go. could you say i am going through an evolutional transition?maybe...but i know i am still human,i still feel,and i am indeed sensitive to others around me.right??? =/

i have got to start running again. honest..

they sent me a letter (two,in fact) informing me of reservist training. and i went like "WTF I'VE NOT EVEN STARTED SCHOOL AND THEY'RE CHASING MY SKIRT ALREADY!" .. so now i gotta go and defer the blooded thing.Gaaah!

but tts the small stuff.no sweat. i've been given a rude shock by mudshake one good day..abt how i've been selfish and took all the goodloving and niceties ppl have shown to me...forgranted. i looked back,over the past few days,on how i've failed in instances where i could've stood up for my loved ones.as we go along i'll tell you more...

but now,sleep is the order of the day. weather's just too damn good to waste it watching tv.so sleep tight,seattle.

OH! koko crunch has a new and improved taste.koko crunch duo,white choc and choc...

0_o

this silence that i hear,save for the hum of a distant aircon compressor..is serenely disquieting. that,together with the roll of car tyres on asphalt and the crickets' calls. the ceiling fan drones on with a slight age to it now..and the calender shows one big fucking orange sticker right where the number 19 is. so many dates,but that one decides to have the plastic sticker of a reminder on it.

I WOULD REQUIRE VINDICATION ON THAT DAY.

i got lazy the last few days,and procrastinated as much as i could,despite my wanting to kick myself in the nuts because of it. maybe i just lost the sense of time right after a marathon session of breaks.all the breaks accumulated would show just how unproductive i have been.and the consequences are dire..in the last few days,i've become a liar,a cheater,a bastard,a spendthrift,an obnoxious lazytown mutt. fancy my cursing and mocking myself...i think i need a wake up call. and im in no mood to be jolted from sleep by anyone else but me.

God,help me!

happy birthday...Ida.Lydia.(Lydia)wati.Rach.Khai.Fid. dan org2 ygsewaktu dgn nya.

happy graduation...Hama.Juana.Suriani. dan si folan yang lain2 tu..congrats smuer org!

what other happy occasions can i think up? OH!

happy NS-ing Zai. you are probably the last among the old bunch to go. enjoy... haha.

shit...out of happy occasions already. and its only monday.

oh but then i had a pretty long break this week.chalet at Aloha with the JC group.then i was busy on sat nite driving around,when i went for the NS group's BBQ.so tts cool.

i miss a busload of people here,but it seems so plastic to go around saying i miss them so.then again,its the surest and simplest of ways to get the message across.

ok,i'll come back later.when my broadband gets fixed up.WOOHOO~!

im gonna make this a fast one.its gonna be the end of my term with PSS teaching staff. Su's maternity leave ends and so do my classes. honestly i would say that its been a sound experience in human relations. the thin line between friend and fish food; mentor and menjeng;teacher and technicalities.

the stint has proven that with enough motivation in the right direction,many things can be accomplished.and with enough manhours on the log card,one can fall asleep standing. thats how tiring it was to juggle the whole day job with the nite calls..even my mum complained about the huge eyebags i sport now.

i want to give a run down of my time at PSS,but its already so late. and i've lots of things to do come morning. just to give a short update..apart from school settings, i've had cousin juli's wedding to look at,and be a part of. then there's that gathering with primary schoolmates..think elementary school,so you get the idea. its been a crazy ride of awwwness and tireless chatter. at the end of it all tho,is the inevitable start of school. suddenly im lazy to study again. hhaha..i want to continue teaching! LOL..

of course the incentives to teaching goes beyond monetary values. the people you meet there, and the bonds built..from the mosaic of student characters and the kinship of the few other colleagues. terribly fun,this whole thing. i wonder how the others would feel about my leaving. i know im gonna start longing for the day i return to visit. but yeah,i've stil got the last day. we'll talk later..

current mood: =]
i went to dinner with nanadina at sakura earlier in the day,after riding around for abit. dina gushed about this waiter there,and i think i maluated her by saying so to the guy. sorry,im like that.heh..but that was fun,for me at least.we went around Northpoint for abit,and i decided to put up a list of things i want to get..courtesy of nanadina's query about the many stuff i want to trade for with money.

in the men's clothing section:
-beanies/snowcaps.this,considering the rise of helmet heads of tomorrow.
-THAT nerd glasses,just because..
-men's sweater thingamagick and vest thing.like preppy's the thing,yaw!
-expansion of color codes from the red,white and blue of today.where dyu find nice,good t-shirts at $9 (like that dinehneh has)?? if its no nice,its fexpensive.
-bermudas for the tropical climate.MORE berms,pls.
-skinny jeans.i've always been harping about altering my jeans so i can wear them with sneakers.me and my baggy pants.tsk..
-BOXERS!i want the monday to sunday boxers,like Clarence Yeo's funky everyday socks.haha..
-and socks.of course.
-sneakers,for lack of anything else to wear besides my skate shoes.
-flip-flops.i like dressing down,lah.but Uni regulation states we cant wear stuff like that or,not without straps.what the bloody hell is the difference,i ask.

in the toy section:
-my own soundbites.i fancy that new ZEN pebble stuff.fits in the coin pocket. but i like many-in-one things so PSP sounds cool..everyone's got it.so yeah.
-THAT slim phone..notice how gadgets get smaller and smaller.and slimmer? but i like sennheiser's headphones.like no,you cant share my music.but thats only music.
-and..jengjengjeng,the toy all boys like..their rides.i want to make my bicycle run like a motorbike,and my motorbike like a plane.and when i get a car,it will be my magic carpet! HAHA..

and OHH! application for the position of my mother's only daughter-in-law is now OPEN! eligible candidates will be notified within 5 years. Interview process comes at a later date,to be confirmed.

now with that done..au revoir.i need to pore thru my freshmen package.

Get Your Sexy Name

Get Your Cyborg Name

HAHA...just for laughs. i liked the idea that im designed for zoology. so animalistic. rawr!!! and logical infiltration is just too smart! HEH..

Holidays mean im just not going to work. It just means i have time to plan on going out.and of course the going out part.meet old friends,catch a movie.it also gives me so much more time to think about the futility of time at hand.it is time too much for thinking of the worst things..the fact that work kept my mind from thinking abt the heavy and deep-set stuff.it is more tiring to sit in my room and think..at least i could tire myself out with work and know that im doing something for myself.

mum left for m'sia on friday morning and she didn't tell me at all about it.she's not back yet. if she wanted me to worry about her,she didn't consider my getting angry about the fact she didn;t let me know. but that aside,she deserves her break. she's been slogging to upkeep the house and make it like a home for me.for us. sometimes i want to tell her i love her so much,and then i bite my tongue. i love her too much that it hurts. i want to prove that she will have a better life simply because of all the sacrifices she's made. i want to let her do the many things she's been wanting to do all her life...but i feel so helpless.even when i work my ass off to earn, she says im crazy. her love is expressed through her incessant nagging and constant put-me-downs. its overwhelming.

how i can be spared from the whinings of my inner voice at work,i can understand. the business of dealing with trivial matters allow me to deal with so many of them at one time,no problem. but the single thought of dealing with what matters most is terribly disheartening. that single thought brings me to my knees. even if you said ceteris paribus,i would still have trouble even articulating my feelings. the helplessness at wanting to make everything else better puts me even lower than i can imagine. i cant smoke it away...only my life.