Holidays mean im just not going to work. It just means i have time to plan on going out.and of course the going out part.meet old friends,catch a movie.it also gives me so much more time to think about the futility of time at hand.it is time too much for thinking of the worst things..the fact that work kept my mind from thinking abt the heavy and deep-set stuff.it is more tiring to sit in my room and think..at least i could tire myself out with work and know that im doing something for myself.

mum left for m'sia on friday morning and she didn't tell me at all about it.she's not back yet. if she wanted me to worry about her,she didn't consider my getting angry about the fact she didn;t let me know. but that aside,she deserves her break. she's been slogging to upkeep the house and make it like a home for me.for us. sometimes i want to tell her i love her so much,and then i bite my tongue. i love her too much that it hurts. i want to prove that she will have a better life simply because of all the sacrifices she's made. i want to let her do the many things she's been wanting to do all her life...but i feel so helpless.even when i work my ass off to earn, she says im crazy. her love is expressed through her incessant nagging and constant put-me-downs. its overwhelming.

how i can be spared from the whinings of my inner voice at work,i can understand. the business of dealing with trivial matters allow me to deal with so many of them at one time,no problem. but the single thought of dealing with what matters most is terribly disheartening. that single thought brings me to my knees. even if you said ceteris paribus,i would still have trouble even articulating my feelings. the helplessness at wanting to make everything else better puts me even lower than i can imagine. i cant smoke it away...only my life.